please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
