I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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