I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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