Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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