Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
