I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
