We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
