just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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