ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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