Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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