I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize