I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
