I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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