He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We left an ass print on the piano.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
