i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
