Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
