I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
