i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
