so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
