I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't put those talents on a resume
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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