My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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