in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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