i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize