She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
