The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
