i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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