I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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