porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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