You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Boobs speak an international language.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
