That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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