there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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