at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
