this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
