Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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