I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
