I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
