If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Sorry about my life...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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