How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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