if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
