I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
