Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
