he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm sobbing to NWA
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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