this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
