tell your sister to shave her snatch
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize