I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
