Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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