i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
