a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
