I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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