I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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