May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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