Just fell off a train. Bad.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
