I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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