You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
