my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I wish you could order shots online.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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