No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
