wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
