I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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