Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
