i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
