I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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