theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
