i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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