and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
