My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
